Monday, September 29, 2008

I am currently hyperventilating 
I looked up the definition 
I think I really am 

If I counted the number of times I've been on the phone with adobe cs
and went on a date for every time
I may actually have a man by now 

not that I want some random guy
don't get me wrong 
I don't know if I could take it
if one more person suggested hooking me up

yes, that's the correct address
yes, I ordered that three weeks ago 
after I called 8 times and sent about 10 e-mails 
over a period of 30 days 

yes, I got an order # 
You're not finding any info? 
Oh really? 

Must be me then 
cause someone's the idiot here 
I only crashed my hd 
lost my contacts
billing info 
lists of things to do someday 
books to read
awesome art to check out 
websites to visit 
money I owe
my crazy pictures... 

I was told that if they were me
they'd be crying 

well wait for the day no longer my dear friends 
the time has come 
my make-up is smeared and the desk is wet 
I kid you not  
I lost it  

if dad out of a job 
in the ER  
work backed up and insane
being gone for a week 
and missing Grandpa's funeral 
along with the rest of the family that I never see
and the stomach turning stress of dealing with dumb people 
wasn't enough

crash my laptop  
destroy my files 
lose my order and make me feel insane  

I tell you what 
that's what 

Ok. I'm fairly sane now. 

Friday, September 26, 2008

should've taken a message and a bottle
thrown it out to sea 
how honestly I would've loved
rocks and shards at my feet  

salt and water dripping down
bleeding ink but not a sound

should've grown up a little 
realized they tell the truth here 
when they say dirty they mean dirt 

sick of truth when the truth is sick
yes, I'm young
leave me be 

don't want your games and foolery 
be an idiot if you must 
but don't tempt me 

is it my fault you think this way? 
what to do? 
everything is wrong
I never get it right

I don't want to need you so I go away to be alone 
if I go away to be alone
I am found searching

such a contradiction 
this heart of mine 
so unpredictable 
so untrustworthy 
so terribly wrong 

forgive me, Lord
this is what I am without you 
I am dirty too 

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I walked into my room and saw a pair of sandals on my bed. 
Ajalon made it to the thrift store and found summer shoes for $1.  
My immediate thought was "Hippie shoes!" 
It made me happy. Made me think of California, two long but not so long years ago. 
Hippie land. 

There were some places that were so serene and beautiful that I honestly felt as if I were dreaming. 
It cannot be explained. I distinctly remember places so resembling my feeble imagination of heaven that to think of them makes me cry a little inside. 

I think everyone's nerves around here are just a little more relaxed at the moment. 
I could be wrong I know, but it's a good guess.  
I should never worry. 
I sat at Panera the other day during an awfully confusing week and watched as a little sparrow hopped along the sidewalk. 
The tiniest little creature and not a worry in the world. 
It reminded me of a comparison I've heard since I was young. 

" not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops. 
Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 
Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 
So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. ..."
(Matthew 10  - NASB from

Isn't He good to take care of such small and seemingly insignificant creatures? Isn't He good to take care of us? Yes, He is. 
And yes, bad things happen to good people. But that is a discussion for another day. 

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

I was so tired yesterday that I was very close to nodding off in front of my boss on a conference call. 
I think it was the fact that these people just talk a lot. 
What ever happened to getting to the point and getting done?   
They've got to work on some time management skills.

I've got to get this done. 

according to some, the world is coming to an end this week
the stock market is crashing 
all they can do is stress 
and fear 

No, no, no people. 
See...yes. The world is coming to an end. Eventually, in time it will. 
Fear? Yes. If there's no certainty I would suggest being very afraid. I would be too. 
But isn't there another option? Don't you think there's more than living and dying? 

Hide and seek. We can only hide for so long. 
Calm down. Listen.
Listen to more than the rambles flying around your head 
paralyzing fear 
causing one to run through life
capture all you can
don't forget the good times 
this is all we have
so take it while you can

This is all we have!?

Thursday, September 4, 2008

An artist is always picked apart. I can't say "I care for people, I teach your children, I've built a bridge." 
No, for I am picked apart like a clam by a gull. 

I sometimes wish that I had the beautiful gift and calling that another has. 
I sometimes wish that I had that overall beauty of the girl down the street who has a beautiful heart, the sweetest smile and the looks of an angel. And then she has the calling to serve people in a way that I don't. To hold children and to love them. To be smart and witty, speaking because she understands and is naturally observant. To build a bridge or understand the most complicated medical explanation comes naturally. 
It would be nice if this never bothered me. 
But how could it not when you openly compare? Are you really that ignorant?
Surely you, who is so wise wouldn't be so ignorant. 

Why? Why compare me as if I'm worthless? 
Go away already. Why do you hurt me so? 
Go away and never return. 
I can't stand you. 

But never mind. I can't blame you. You are just like me. You are ignorant and dumb too. You are imperfect. So I must forgive you as well as myself. 
You are imperfect and I am an artist. Artists must live as a hermit or forever work to please another.