I am currently hyperventilating 

I looked up the definition 

I think I really am 

If I counted the number of times I've been on the phone with adobe cs

and went on a date for every time

I may actually have a man by now 

not that I want some random guy

don't get me wrong 

I don't know if I could take it

if one more person suggested hooking me up

yes, that's the correct address

yes, I ordered that three weeks ago 

after I called 8 times and sent about 10 e-mails 

over a period of 30 days 

yes, I got an order # 

You're not finding any info? 

Oh really? 

Must be me then 

cause someone's the idiot here 

I only crashed my hd 

lost my contacts

music 

billing info 

lists of things to do someday 

books to read

awesome art to check out 

websites to visit 

money I owe

my crazy pictures... 

I was told that if they were me

they'd be crying 

well wait for the day no longer my dear friends 

the time has come 

my make-up is smeared and the desk is wet 

I kid you not  

I lost it  

if dad out of a job 

in the ER  

work backed up and insane

being gone for a week 

and missing Grandpa's funeral 

along with the rest of the family that I never see

and the stomach turning stress of dealing with dumb people 

wasn't enough

please...

crash my laptop  

destroy my files 

lose my order and make me feel insane  

I tell you what 

nothing.

that's what 

Ok. I'm fairly sane now. 

thank-you blogger.com 

should've taken a message and a bottle

thrown it out to sea 

how honestly I would've loved

rocks and shards at my feet  

salt and water dripping down

bleeding ink but not a sound

should've grown up a little 

realized they tell the truth here 

when they say dirty they mean dirt 

sick of truth when the truth is sick

yes, I'm young

leave me be 

don't want your games and foolery 

be an idiot if you must 

but don't tempt me 

is it my fault you think this way? 

what to do? 

everything is wrong

I never get it right

I don't want to need you so I go away to be alone 

if I go away to be alone

I am found searching

such a contradiction 

this heart of mine 

so unpredictable 

so untrustworthy 

so terribly wrong 

forgive me, Lord

this is what I am without you 

I am dirty too 

I walked into my room and saw a pair of sandals on my bed. 

Ajalon made it to the thrift store and found summer shoes for $1.  

My immediate thought was "Hippie shoes!" 

It made me happy. Made me think of California, two long but not so long years ago. 

Hippie land. 

There were some places that were so serene and beautiful that I honestly felt as if I were dreaming. 

It cannot be explained. I distinctly remember places so resembling my feeble imagination of heaven that to think of them makes me cry a little inside. 

•

I think everyone's nerves around here are just a little more relaxed at the moment. 

I could be wrong I know, but it's a good guess.  

I should never worry. 

I sat at Panera the other day during an awfully confusing week and watched as a little sparrow hopped along the sidewalk. 

The tiniest little creature and not a worry in the world. 

It reminded me of a comparison I've heard since I was young. 

"...do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops. 

Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 

Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. ..."

(Matthew 10  - NASB from www.biblegateway.com)

Isn't He good to take care of such small and seemingly insignificant creatures? Isn't He good to take care of us? Yes, He is. 

And yes, bad things happen to good people. But that is a discussion for another day. 

I was so tired yesterday that I was very close to nodding off in front of my boss on a conference call. 

I think it was the fact that these people just talk a lot. 

What ever happened to getting to the point and getting done?   

They've got to work on some time management skills.

I've got to get this done. 

according to some, the world is coming to an end this week

the stock market is crashing 

all they can do is stress 

and fear 

No, no, no people. 

See...yes. The world is coming to an end. Eventually, in time it will. 

Fear? Yes. If there's no certainty I would suggest being very afraid. I would be too. 

But isn't there another option? Don't you think there's more than living and dying? 

Hide and seek. We can only hide for so long. 

Calm down. Listen.

Listen to more than the rambles flying around your head 

paralyzing fear 

causing one to run through life

capture all you can

don't forget the good times 

this is all we have

so take it while you can

This is all we have!?

An artist is always picked apart. I can't say "I care for people, I teach your children, I've built a bridge." 

No, for I am picked apart like a clam by a gull. 

I sometimes wish that I had the beautiful gift and calling that another has. 

I sometimes wish that I had that overall beauty of the girl down the street who has a beautiful heart, the sweetest smile and the looks of an angel. And then she has the calling to serve people in a way that I don't. To hold children and to love them. To be smart and witty, speaking because she understands and is naturally observant. To build a bridge or understand the most complicated medical explanation comes naturally. 

It would be nice if this never bothered me. 

But how could it not when you openly compare? Are you really that ignorant?

Surely you, who is so wise wouldn't be so ignorant. 

Why? Why compare me as if I'm worthless? 

Go away already. Why do you hurt me so? 

Go away and never return. 

I can't stand you. 

But never mind. I can't blame you. You are just like me. You are ignorant and dumb too. You are imperfect. So I must forgive you as well as myself. 

You are imperfect and I am an artist. Artists must live as a hermit or forever work to please another.