There comes a time when you think to yourself

all is wrong 

Lincoln was a dictator 

he was not 

what was he? 

the injustice of slavery- gone

oh really? 

you tell me the little hands are limp? no life? 

yeah- now they are 

thanks to them

thanks to you

thanks to me 

oh thanks to me

my pathetic apathy 

and then through revelation realize 

all is as it should be 

I'm wondering just how long I should keep writing in this world of all alone. 

Maybe I should let somebody know I'm here.

Nah. Then I wouldn't be able to say whatever I wanted! 

Wait. I don't say whatever I want anyway. Fear of being found I suppose. 

What would I say if I could say whatever I wanted? 

I got away from blogging for a reason. I'm not quite sure what that was but I have a feeling it had something to do with the ridiculousness of talking about nothing.

Which is what I'm doing right now.

Perhaps this blog should end as quickly as it started. I should cut it off, now. 

But then...

I think I started again because I liked the thought of venting and venting to someone who would listen. Though I must admit I have yet to vent.

In a way I don't want anyone to know why I'd like to vent. 

I know that the annoyances and trials in life are for a season and a purpose. There is no reason to act like it's a disaster, because it's not. Everything is orchestrated so perfectly and purposefully. 

But even then, I am not perfect (we all know) and I very often feel like displaying my uncertainty, hate, discontentment, pride and unenviable sorrow. 

I believe I am too open. I would like to give details. I would like to convey exactly what has happened and what I feel to those who care to listen. I want you to know what I think. I find though that events and emotions involve others and their lives. I realize that I am not free to speak of circumstance that involves others and so I feel somewhat restricted. I feel as if I cannot share what bothers me.

That, I believe, must be my excuse. And so I am always secretive, not by my own will but by the will of others. 

I suppose I will write for now. 

I am sooo psyched. 

I just bought a few John Mark McMillan songs tonight. 

I've heard a few songs before and knew I really did not want to do without.

I appreciate how sincere he is and his writing in general. 

His lyrics are most sincere and unique in the comparisons used and the truths spoken of. 

I love when an artist can write about the relationship with Christ and the often unspoken of truths with such passion and skill. 

His love for Christ truly shows and his skill is far above that of our well-known, luke-warm "Christian music" community. 

Speaking of buying things, I purchased a brand new pair of Tommy Hilfiger flip flops for $5 at a local second hand store! Love that place! 

Also, I found a (I think new) suit that fits nearly perfectly for $30. I figure I'd better get it while I have such a good deal. One of these days I'll need a suit and I'll probably have to rush out to buy a new one for over $75. 

Okay, I'm off to eat some chocolate, brush my teeth and fall asleep with a few John Mark McMillan songs. 

I'm excited. 

I've found that there are few things that keep people entertained nowadays.

Due to the inspiration of a very dear friend (SC/big red/wendy), I have become even more easily entertained than before.

For example-

"Mt. Trashmore"-I would never have thought about it. Previously I would have read the name, cocked my head, and then gone on with life. But now (after reading the sign for maybe the 5th time), I cocked my head and thought deeply. Then I laughed. What a ridiculous name for a park. It just cracks me up every time. 

There is a skeleton that sits in the passenger side of the little beetle bug car in a neighbors driveway. He is always there. Sometimes I think he wears a hat with the window down. The little bug car is a rusted black with rusty black wheels and a hint of rusty red near where the hub caps should be. The skeleton seems to have a cocky grin on his face at all times. He's a steady guy. We've named him Rusty. 

Every day when I walk into the bathroom at work, I glance at the door with a sign that says "showers" on it. I wonder why in the crab pot we would have a room marked "showers" in our sophisticated office building. I often have entertained myself with scenarios detailing why a person may need to use a room marked "showers". I never peeped in the door because I thought it added to the mystery if I didn't exactly know what was in the shower room. I was disappointed the other day when my supervisor told me that there was a work-out room we could use in an office close to ours. Killed the mysterious. (Well...it'll be good for my exercise habits or lack thereof.)  

I like my supervisor. I couldn't have asked for a better supervisor to warm me up to the place and pester with questions. She really is a very sweet, nice person. You know what? She has a sparkle to her eyes.

I think that I've always been one to enjoy watching others. I like to watch conversations between people. It is entertaining to me to listen and watch. Have you ever just watched a conversation take place? Sometimes someone is very serious, or extremely giddy, or maybe just content and worry-free. I like most of all to see a sparkle in the eyes. 

It really happens, you know? I have seen it. 

I often wonder if it is my fascination with watching the interaction of others or just a laziness and self-focus that makes me want to watch the conversation instead of participate. It may be a bit of both. 

Perhaps I will learn to be less self-focused and more sociable when I grow up.  

You know, sometimes it is just too tiring to be sociable. One can only have so many friends. I used to wish that I could disconnect myself from every single person I knew (outside of my immediate family) and leave. Leave the country, seriously. I wasn't even joking with myself, it was how I truly felt. It wasn't that I wanted to run away from home, but that I was too exhausted of situations with people that I felt I could not handle much longer. 

In the end, the Lord taught me through each situation. I can even say now that I am grateful for them. Even today though, I often feel the need to disconnect and start new occasionally. 

Speaking of starting new, I don't know that I could ask for a better "new start" than to move across the state and start a new job, attend a new church and know absolutely no one and nothing. Though when I finally get my wish years down the road, I don't want it so much anymore (fancy that). There are people that I cannot disconnect myself from. I would never do it. 

I will say though, that if I were forced to leave and never return (you know like the witness protection program stuff that happens in books-and never real life, right?) I would be unfathomably sad but sigh with relief just a bit. 

Don't you ever just want a new beginning? To forget about before and start with a new record. A white page. 

Thanks to the Lord, for He is the only way. He is the only new beginning any of us will ever get. I want to remember that, daily. I am learning to remember His goodness towards me. I am learning to remember that He holds nothing against me. There is nothing I must do to please Him! I have a new beginning in Christ. 

This is far too long. And I'd like to end on a good note as well. What a good thought to end on.