Where will you be?

Some say they have dreams

sometimes I have thoughts 

you know...

dreams when I'm awake

real as anything 

conviction and fear rising up in me

I want to shout "CHOOSE LIFE!! CHOOSE LIFE!!!" 

every time I think about it

when I think of the little eyes 

the tiny hands 

an incredible urge to jump up and shout

CHOOSE LIFE!! 

justice 

truth

have we no regard for truth? 

have we been that blinded?

who do we follow now who tells us these lies?

and are we content to live in a way that says 

WE ARE GOD 

maybe we like being in charge of our own lives 

I remember wanting to be in charge of my life

I remember wanting to control

I have found that this life is not worth living for me 

I see something more

something so unbelievable and beautiful 

I can hardly tell you 

so sometimes I keep silent  

I watch and wait

for God to do a great work

He has done it in my heart

He will do it again

there is nothing I can do to lose His grace in my life 

I may be silent now 

but one of these days

I feel I may be in the middle of a crowd 

and conviction will rise up in me 

and I will shout 

where will you be? 

 

I'm obviously an idiot for being nice. 

Naive, they call me. 

Ditz, must be what they see.   

But one of these days 

they might see the reason I'll befriend for a time

yes, my motives often aren't right (I am redeemed, saved, not perfect)

but often I just want you to be happy

I want you to see the truth 

I look at your eyes and want to cry 

for I see a beautiful life, but such a wretched heart 

I love you

to say it would be improper but it's the truth 

I know not how to tell without scaring away

I often come upon one who seems especially lost in this world 

yet I cannot find a way to say I care

I wish for them, pray for them to know

I do cry inside 

and sometimes my tears decide to slip away 

it's not for me really, it's for you 

it's for what you don't know, the life I wish that I could give you

it's your choice though 

I cannot choose for you 

Ah Neverland...

I often wonder about myself 

wonder if I'm too serious

if I've grown up too fast 

most of the time I would say not fast enough

I am quite the silly girl 

though other times all I can see is my seriousness 

I might as well be little Peter 

pondering grown-up life and living with a burden 

a weight that is not his to carry 

smile a little Peter and be a boy again

why do you feel the need to fix every problem?

don't you know you can't? 

relax Peter 

tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings 

don't you know you're losing your sweetness

your innocence and any joy from this life

driven away by worry 

driven away by the problems you so wish to fix 

ah, this world holds us for but a little while 

run and play while you can 

Peter, laugh and dance 

the ticking clock continues 

once, just once more

be a boy again 

Saturday

oh lovely Saturday

I went for a jog while listening to Marvin and Al (thanks to you know who) 

and I'm working on keeping my shoulders from touching my ears 

Little Tavon went home today 

I'm annoyed with myself because he's been here for a week and I haven't seen him much

I come home from work and he goes to bed

On another note...

Gianni was standing on a stool in the kitchen talking about roller coasters 

and then said

"how long does it take to get to a roller coaster show?"

He he...

You can tell he hasn't been to an amusement park before

On another note...

my car died on me twice yesterday

I'm going to attempt to not get ripped off at the mechanics now 

toodles peeps 

I am currently hyperventilating 

I looked up the definition 

I think I really am 

If I counted the number of times I've been on the phone with adobe cs

and went on a date for every time

I may actually have a man by now 

not that I want some random guy

don't get me wrong 

I don't know if I could take it

if one more person suggested hooking me up

yes, that's the correct address

yes, I ordered that three weeks ago 

after I called 8 times and sent about 10 e-mails 

over a period of 30 days 

yes, I got an order # 

You're not finding any info? 

Oh really? 

Must be me then 

cause someone's the idiot here 

I only crashed my hd 

lost my contacts

music 

billing info 

lists of things to do someday 

books to read

awesome art to check out 

websites to visit 

money I owe

my crazy pictures... 

I was told that if they were me

they'd be crying 

well wait for the day no longer my dear friends 

the time has come 

my make-up is smeared and the desk is wet 

I kid you not  

I lost it  

if dad out of a job 

in the ER  

work backed up and insane

being gone for a week 

and missing Grandpa's funeral 

along with the rest of the family that I never see

and the stomach turning stress of dealing with dumb people 

wasn't enough

please...

crash my laptop  

destroy my files 

lose my order and make me feel insane  

I tell you what 

nothing.

that's what 

Ok. I'm fairly sane now. 

thank-you blogger.com 

should've taken a message and a bottle

thrown it out to sea 

how honestly I would've loved

rocks and shards at my feet  

salt and water dripping down

bleeding ink but not a sound

should've grown up a little 

realized they tell the truth here 

when they say dirty they mean dirt 

sick of truth when the truth is sick

yes, I'm young

leave me be 

don't want your games and foolery 

be an idiot if you must 

but don't tempt me 

is it my fault you think this way? 

what to do? 

everything is wrong

I never get it right

I don't want to need you so I go away to be alone 

if I go away to be alone

I am found searching

such a contradiction 

this heart of mine 

so unpredictable 

so untrustworthy 

so terribly wrong 

forgive me, Lord

this is what I am without you 

I am dirty too 

I walked into my room and saw a pair of sandals on my bed. 

Ajalon made it to the thrift store and found summer shoes for $1.  

My immediate thought was "Hippie shoes!" 

It made me happy. Made me think of California, two long but not so long years ago. 

Hippie land. 

There were some places that were so serene and beautiful that I honestly felt as if I were dreaming. 

It cannot be explained. I distinctly remember places so resembling my feeble imagination of heaven that to think of them makes me cry a little inside. 

•

I think everyone's nerves around here are just a little more relaxed at the moment. 

I could be wrong I know, but it's a good guess.  

I should never worry. 

I sat at Panera the other day during an awfully confusing week and watched as a little sparrow hopped along the sidewalk. 

The tiniest little creature and not a worry in the world. 

It reminded me of a comparison I've heard since I was young. 

"...do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops. 

Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 

Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. ..."

(Matthew 10  - NASB from www.biblegateway.com)

Isn't He good to take care of such small and seemingly insignificant creatures? Isn't He good to take care of us? Yes, He is. 

And yes, bad things happen to good people. But that is a discussion for another day.