Oh I'm so tired! 

Thank goodness for a day off. I really think I need it. 

I'm brushing my teeth and GOING TO BED!!!

La dee da. 

I need to go to bed. It is way too late and I am way too grumpy tonight. 

I really shouldn't even be allowed to speak right now. 

Does typing count? 

 

Yeah, I could probably do worse damage by typing actually. 

Awww...

phooey. 

I can't stand servers that don't accept large emails. 

Toodles peeps. 

I really haven't the heart to write. 

Maybe lack of sleep

Maybe my own heart 

sometimes I get so tired

just tired of dealing with this life 

tired of opening my mouth when I shouldn't

tired of the mean in me 

sick of the nasty 

though I did ask for a change of heart 

I asked for the Lord to show me where my faults are

I said I wanted to be more like Him 

I sometimes underestimate the power of my prayers 

He is faithful

the Lord never said that following Him would be easy 

In fact, he warned it'd be uncomfortable 

In some ways I've never been opposed to discomfort

in other ways I can only instinctively run 

I can't help but compare myself to the rich young man 

who seeks eternal life 

his heart seeks something greater than this life   

the man somehow thinks that good deeds will save 

and so often my heart reacts the same 

somehow I find myself disappointed 

for my deeds are imperfect, my heart so wrong 

the point is crystal, Jesus' words hit the heart 

after declaring that he(the man) has followed the law from his youth

Jesus presents a truth that the man is not prepared for 

"If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, 

and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." 

Go. Sell. Come. Follow me.  

Do you see the heart of this statement? I am to let go of what I hold here. 

I must not live my life for this place

The reward of not clinging to my earthly possessions is an unearthly treasure 

the reward of following, is more than I know 

in essence the rich young man turns and runs toward his earthly treasure

unable to give up the god his heart clings to

(for it is what you live for that is your god) 

The comparison following the mans running is stark 

"...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle 

than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." 

What!?

So if this man who appeared "good" in the eyes of the world 

could not enter God's kingdom, who can!? 

And what hope do I have when I know my deeds and heart 

have more wrong than right motives? 

I have less hope than a camel trying to fit through the eye of a needle! 

Ah! But yes, if my hope were in me this would sad. 

Yet Jesus has mercy. He had mercy on the rich young man.

He doesn't leave me wandering and without hope 

"With man this is impossible,..." there is nothing I can do to be "good" on my own

"...but with God all things are possible."  He has not abandoned those without hope! 

For He is our hope.

He is my hope. 

What I cannot accomplish in my own heart and life on my own 

He has promised to complete 

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you 

will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 

I am confident that He can take this life of mine

no matter how meaningless in my eyes

no matter how horrible I can be 

and complete a good work 

complete a life that will bring Him glory 

one that will reflect His love and His heart 

(Matthew 19:16-30)

(Philippians 1:6) 

Where will you be?

Some say they have dreams

sometimes I have thoughts 

you know...

dreams when I'm awake

real as anything 

conviction and fear rising up in me

I want to shout "CHOOSE LIFE!! CHOOSE LIFE!!!" 

every time I think about it

when I think of the little eyes 

the tiny hands 

an incredible urge to jump up and shout

CHOOSE LIFE!! 

justice 

truth

have we no regard for truth? 

have we been that blinded?

who do we follow now who tells us these lies?

and are we content to live in a way that says 

WE ARE GOD 

maybe we like being in charge of our own lives 

I remember wanting to be in charge of my life

I remember wanting to control

I have found that this life is not worth living for me 

I see something more

something so unbelievable and beautiful 

I can hardly tell you 

so sometimes I keep silent  

I watch and wait

for God to do a great work

He has done it in my heart

He will do it again

there is nothing I can do to lose His grace in my life 

I may be silent now 

but one of these days

I feel I may be in the middle of a crowd 

and conviction will rise up in me 

and I will shout 

where will you be? 

 

I'm obviously an idiot for being nice. 

Naive, they call me. 

Ditz, must be what they see.   

But one of these days 

they might see the reason I'll befriend for a time

yes, my motives often aren't right (I am redeemed, saved, not perfect)

but often I just want you to be happy

I want you to see the truth 

I look at your eyes and want to cry 

for I see a beautiful life, but such a wretched heart 

I love you

to say it would be improper but it's the truth 

I know not how to tell without scaring away

I often come upon one who seems especially lost in this world 

yet I cannot find a way to say I care

I wish for them, pray for them to know

I do cry inside 

and sometimes my tears decide to slip away 

it's not for me really, it's for you 

it's for what you don't know, the life I wish that I could give you

it's your choice though 

I cannot choose for you 

Ah Neverland...

I often wonder about myself 

wonder if I'm too serious

if I've grown up too fast 

most of the time I would say not fast enough

I am quite the silly girl 

though other times all I can see is my seriousness 

I might as well be little Peter 

pondering grown-up life and living with a burden 

a weight that is not his to carry 

smile a little Peter and be a boy again

why do you feel the need to fix every problem?

don't you know you can't? 

relax Peter 

tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings 

don't you know you're losing your sweetness

your innocence and any joy from this life

driven away by worry 

driven away by the problems you so wish to fix 

ah, this world holds us for but a little while 

run and play while you can 

Peter, laugh and dance 

the ticking clock continues 

once, just once more

be a boy again 

Saturday

oh lovely Saturday

I went for a jog while listening to Marvin and Al (thanks to you know who) 

and I'm working on keeping my shoulders from touching my ears 

Little Tavon went home today 

I'm annoyed with myself because he's been here for a week and I haven't seen him much

I come home from work and he goes to bed

On another note...

Gianni was standing on a stool in the kitchen talking about roller coasters 

and then said

"how long does it take to get to a roller coaster show?"

He he...

You can tell he hasn't been to an amusement park before

On another note...

my car died on me twice yesterday

I'm going to attempt to not get ripped off at the mechanics now 

toodles peeps