Oh my gosh.

Yup. 

So I find that I just like to be random sometimes. 

ha ha ha.

Wait. Isn't sometimes random? Of course.

Chicken. 

That says it all. And then nothing. 

The rain is great though. So nice. So nice.

Giggle. Yup. That's me. 

I do like the moon. It was probably one of my favorite pieces. 

BUT 

the all time favorite would be the lonely, pondering girl sitting on the edge. 

Blonde hair blowing in the wind. 

I'll bet she looked awesome in the rain. All soaked and drenched. 

I do wonder why she was looking at the building. 

If it were me, I'd look out. 

The star is right there I think. 

Such a nice view.

And I really wouldn't mind sitting there. In the rain too. 

So nice, so nice.

Oh Roanoke...

absence makes the heart wander. 

"If to Heaven's heights I fly 

You are still beside me,

Or in death's dark shadows lie,

You will stay close by me. 

If I flee on morning wings 

Far across the gray sea,

Even there your hand will lead,

Your right hand will guide me."

-If I Flee on Morning Wings, Fernando Ortega 

"She's only happy in the sun..."

So true, so true. 

I've been blessed

my beautiful sun 

I now sit at the window

all day long

just a ray or two

a hint of joy 

escapes the tint

I watch

but never am seen

just a glance at diamonds 

floating on water

and I'm okay

reeds twice as tall 

dip and sway 

dancing for the day 

shivers at the night

which comes so soon

too soon 

close my eyes 

to a little nap 

and back again

so soon 

too soon 

And she's right...

Seriously people. 

It's the fifth month. 

I'm expected to hate this place right now. 

I don't hate it. Hate is a very strong word ladies and toads. 

And I don't hate it. 

I just don't like it yet....totally. 

Some days...weeks...I just don't find it to be the most attractive place. 

Having distractions is nice. 

Having a purpose is nice. 

I must remember my purpose. 

She seems to imply it won't be bad after a year. 

We will see. 

Oh. Ha. Great. I just had a thought. 

But thoughts are sometimes not for sharing publicly. That's why they're thoughts. 

Sorry to disappoint. 

Ah. The other she just got back from having fun with some peoples she thinks are cool. I think they are cool. 

Alrighty boys and squirrels. 

I must go get my tree in order and head off to la la land. 

Too bad I can't see the stars. 

The treadmill really helps...

going from 0 to 6.5 in like nothing 

except 

it's not very smart

of course

one doesn't realize when in a daze

after a long day 

and a strange thing. 

We learn our lessons don't we?   

and then when staring at the computer

the room starts to tilt 

a little too much

a little too now

a little too never

a little too gone 

and I love french 

for some reason

if not for the beauty 

for the odd 

the strange almost jolting 

jump from whispy and sweet

to uncomfortable  

and confusing 

yup. 

that's just what you are 

Why do I blog when I need to brush my teeth?

I don't know. I really don't. 

For one, the guy put the part in my car with no major issues. And before Monday.

That's good. 

It hasn't died on me since then....but it's only been a few days. My car is so sporadic that I should prolly wait two weeks to decide if the problem is fixed. 

On a similar note, I believe the starter is going too.  

On the same note, I feel my sanity as well is leaving me. One of these days I'll get a new car...one of these days. And I will keep my sanity until then, I will force it to stay. I will. 

For two, we went bowling tonight. Didn't do terrible things but awesome wouldn't describe it either.  

Was never my favorite sport, but it was fun.  

For three, Dad is home for Thanksgiving. Ariel is leaving with her boyfriend.  

The end.

Okay...not really. We'll have food and hopefully a nice afternoon nap or something. I'll be sure to tell you about it. "You" being the few readers I have.  

That's it for now. I'm about to go check my facebook. It's been pretty dull lately. 

I've been pretty tired. I have GOT to get some sleep. ;-) 

Thanks for reading.

You're probably why I feel fat right now.

Ah ha! 

you will NOT ruin my life. 

oh no. I will cry and then I'm sure I'll be fine tomorrow. 

And if I'm not, I'll take a nap. 

pms. you will go away. 

And on a lighter note...

(just kidding) 

car in the shop. I mean...some guy's garage who says he can fix it. 

I warned him. I really did. 

It's his fault if something goes wrong tomorrow and he doesn't have time to fix it before Monday. 

But I'm sure nothing will go wrong. The end. 

I wish that someone would just bring me my toothbrush. Cause I'm sitting here and I don't want to get up but I really need to brush. 

And on a different note, 

nope. I won't. I will not. I can't. You don't understand, cause it's not happening. 

And you're really frustrating me now, so please go away. 

On a truly lighter note, 

tomorrow is Sunday. 

goodnight. 

When the sporadically emotional type starts crying, don't ask why. They may not stop.

No. I'm not going to bed. 

I'm sorry, I lie sometimes. 

You know in those hours 

when your mind struggles to wake 

because with every nerve and muscle and every cell 

your body knows 

just knows that sleep is imperitive

well the mind, confused 

continues to put together assumptions of life 

and being and breathing and what the future will be 

in five minutes and sometimes five years

oh the years are most interesting

awaking with such an odd feeling 

uncertainty, confusion 

wait, was I there? will I be? What? Stop. No. 

Just stop. 

Sweet, so sweet. Is it just me? 

Am I stupid again? Overreacting? 

Ah. How shallow I can be. 

I wonder also if days like this always follow dreams like that. 

I've never been the sporadically emotional type

maybe I was just too young

for now, I'm fine

but if you catch me cryin' 

don't ask why

 

Oh I'm so tired! 

Thank goodness for a day off. I really think I need it. 

I'm brushing my teeth and GOING TO BED!!!

La dee da. 

I need to go to bed. It is way too late and I am way too grumpy tonight. 

I really shouldn't even be allowed to speak right now. 

Does typing count? 

 

Yeah, I could probably do worse damage by typing actually. 

Awww...

phooey. 

I can't stand servers that don't accept large emails. 

Toodles peeps. 

I really haven't the heart to write. 

Maybe lack of sleep

Maybe my own heart 

sometimes I get so tired

just tired of dealing with this life 

tired of opening my mouth when I shouldn't

tired of the mean in me 

sick of the nasty 

though I did ask for a change of heart 

I asked for the Lord to show me where my faults are

I said I wanted to be more like Him 

I sometimes underestimate the power of my prayers 

He is faithful

the Lord never said that following Him would be easy 

In fact, he warned it'd be uncomfortable 

In some ways I've never been opposed to discomfort

in other ways I can only instinctively run 

I can't help but compare myself to the rich young man 

who seeks eternal life 

his heart seeks something greater than this life   

the man somehow thinks that good deeds will save 

and so often my heart reacts the same 

somehow I find myself disappointed 

for my deeds are imperfect, my heart so wrong 

the point is crystal, Jesus' words hit the heart 

after declaring that he(the man) has followed the law from his youth

Jesus presents a truth that the man is not prepared for 

"If you would be perfect, go, sell what you possess and give to the poor, 

and you will have treasure in heaven; and come, follow me." 

Go. Sell. Come. Follow me.  

Do you see the heart of this statement? I am to let go of what I hold here. 

I must not live my life for this place

The reward of not clinging to my earthly possessions is an unearthly treasure 

the reward of following, is more than I know 

in essence the rich young man turns and runs toward his earthly treasure

unable to give up the god his heart clings to

(for it is what you live for that is your god) 

The comparison following the mans running is stark 

"...it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle 

than for a rich person to enter the kingdom of God." 

What!?

So if this man who appeared "good" in the eyes of the world 

could not enter God's kingdom, who can!? 

And what hope do I have when I know my deeds and heart 

have more wrong than right motives? 

I have less hope than a camel trying to fit through the eye of a needle! 

Ah! But yes, if my hope were in me this would sad. 

Yet Jesus has mercy. He had mercy on the rich young man.

He doesn't leave me wandering and without hope 

"With man this is impossible,..." there is nothing I can do to be "good" on my own

"...but with God all things are possible."  He has not abandoned those without hope! 

For He is our hope.

He is my hope. 

What I cannot accomplish in my own heart and life on my own 

He has promised to complete 

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you 

will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." 

I am confident that He can take this life of mine

no matter how meaningless in my eyes

no matter how horrible I can be 

and complete a good work 

complete a life that will bring Him glory 

one that will reflect His love and His heart 

(Matthew 19:16-30)

(Philippians 1:6) 

Where will you be?

Some say they have dreams

sometimes I have thoughts 

you know...

dreams when I'm awake

real as anything 

conviction and fear rising up in me

I want to shout "CHOOSE LIFE!! CHOOSE LIFE!!!" 

every time I think about it

when I think of the little eyes 

the tiny hands 

an incredible urge to jump up and shout

CHOOSE LIFE!! 

justice 

truth

have we no regard for truth? 

have we been that blinded?

who do we follow now who tells us these lies?

and are we content to live in a way that says 

WE ARE GOD 

maybe we like being in charge of our own lives 

I remember wanting to be in charge of my life

I remember wanting to control

I have found that this life is not worth living for me 

I see something more

something so unbelievable and beautiful 

I can hardly tell you 

so sometimes I keep silent  

I watch and wait

for God to do a great work

He has done it in my heart

He will do it again

there is nothing I can do to lose His grace in my life 

I may be silent now 

but one of these days

I feel I may be in the middle of a crowd 

and conviction will rise up in me 

and I will shout 

where will you be? 

 

I'm obviously an idiot for being nice. 

Naive, they call me. 

Ditz, must be what they see.   

But one of these days 

they might see the reason I'll befriend for a time

yes, my motives often aren't right (I am redeemed, saved, not perfect)

but often I just want you to be happy

I want you to see the truth 

I look at your eyes and want to cry 

for I see a beautiful life, but such a wretched heart 

I love you

to say it would be improper but it's the truth 

I know not how to tell without scaring away

I often come upon one who seems especially lost in this world 

yet I cannot find a way to say I care

I wish for them, pray for them to know

I do cry inside 

and sometimes my tears decide to slip away 

it's not for me really, it's for you 

it's for what you don't know, the life I wish that I could give you

it's your choice though 

I cannot choose for you 

Ah Neverland...

I often wonder about myself 

wonder if I'm too serious

if I've grown up too fast 

most of the time I would say not fast enough

I am quite the silly girl 

though other times all I can see is my seriousness 

I might as well be little Peter 

pondering grown-up life and living with a burden 

a weight that is not his to carry 

smile a little Peter and be a boy again

why do you feel the need to fix every problem?

don't you know you can't? 

relax Peter 

tomorrow will bring what tomorrow brings 

don't you know you're losing your sweetness

your innocence and any joy from this life

driven away by worry 

driven away by the problems you so wish to fix 

ah, this world holds us for but a little while 

run and play while you can 

Peter, laugh and dance 

the ticking clock continues 

once, just once more

be a boy again 

Saturday

oh lovely Saturday

I went for a jog while listening to Marvin and Al (thanks to you know who) 

and I'm working on keeping my shoulders from touching my ears 

Little Tavon went home today 

I'm annoyed with myself because he's been here for a week and I haven't seen him much

I come home from work and he goes to bed

On another note...

Gianni was standing on a stool in the kitchen talking about roller coasters 

and then said

"how long does it take to get to a roller coaster show?"

He he...

You can tell he hasn't been to an amusement park before

On another note...

my car died on me twice yesterday

I'm going to attempt to not get ripped off at the mechanics now 

toodles peeps 

I am currently hyperventilating 

I looked up the definition 

I think I really am 

If I counted the number of times I've been on the phone with adobe cs

and went on a date for every time

I may actually have a man by now 

not that I want some random guy

don't get me wrong 

I don't know if I could take it

if one more person suggested hooking me up

yes, that's the correct address

yes, I ordered that three weeks ago 

after I called 8 times and sent about 10 e-mails 

over a period of 30 days 

yes, I got an order # 

You're not finding any info? 

Oh really? 

Must be me then 

cause someone's the idiot here 

I only crashed my hd 

lost my contacts

music 

billing info 

lists of things to do someday 

books to read

awesome art to check out 

websites to visit 

money I owe

my crazy pictures... 

I was told that if they were me

they'd be crying 

well wait for the day no longer my dear friends 

the time has come 

my make-up is smeared and the desk is wet 

I kid you not  

I lost it  

if dad out of a job 

in the ER  

work backed up and insane

being gone for a week 

and missing Grandpa's funeral 

along with the rest of the family that I never see

and the stomach turning stress of dealing with dumb people 

wasn't enough

please...

crash my laptop  

destroy my files 

lose my order and make me feel insane  

I tell you what 

nothing.

that's what 

Ok. I'm fairly sane now. 

thank-you blogger.com 

should've taken a message and a bottle

thrown it out to sea 

how honestly I would've loved

rocks and shards at my feet  

salt and water dripping down

bleeding ink but not a sound

should've grown up a little 

realized they tell the truth here 

when they say dirty they mean dirt 

sick of truth when the truth is sick

yes, I'm young

leave me be 

don't want your games and foolery 

be an idiot if you must 

but don't tempt me 

is it my fault you think this way? 

what to do? 

everything is wrong

I never get it right

I don't want to need you so I go away to be alone 

if I go away to be alone

I am found searching

such a contradiction 

this heart of mine 

so unpredictable 

so untrustworthy 

so terribly wrong 

forgive me, Lord

this is what I am without you 

I am dirty too 

I walked into my room and saw a pair of sandals on my bed. 

Ajalon made it to the thrift store and found summer shoes for $1.  

My immediate thought was "Hippie shoes!" 

It made me happy. Made me think of California, two long but not so long years ago. 

Hippie land. 

There were some places that were so serene and beautiful that I honestly felt as if I were dreaming. 

It cannot be explained. I distinctly remember places so resembling my feeble imagination of heaven that to think of them makes me cry a little inside. 

•

I think everyone's nerves around here are just a little more relaxed at the moment. 

I could be wrong I know, but it's a good guess.  

I should never worry. 

I sat at Panera the other day during an awfully confusing week and watched as a little sparrow hopped along the sidewalk. 

The tiniest little creature and not a worry in the world. 

It reminded me of a comparison I've heard since I was young. 

"...do not fear them, for there is nothing concealed that will not be revealed, or hidden that will not be known. What I tell you in the darkness, speak in the light; and what you hear whispered in your ear, proclaim upon the housetops. 

Do not fear those who kill the body but are unable to kill the soul; but rather fear Him who is able to destroy both soul and body in hell. 

Are not two sparrows sold for a cent? And yet not one of them will fall to the ground apart from your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. 

So do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. Therefore everyone who confesses Me before men, I will also confess him before My Father who is in heaven. But whoever denies Me before men, I will also deny him before My Father who is in heaven. ..."

(Matthew 10  - NASB from www.biblegateway.com)

Isn't He good to take care of such small and seemingly insignificant creatures? Isn't He good to take care of us? Yes, He is. 

And yes, bad things happen to good people. But that is a discussion for another day. 

I was so tired yesterday that I was very close to nodding off in front of my boss on a conference call. 

I think it was the fact that these people just talk a lot. 

What ever happened to getting to the point and getting done?   

They've got to work on some time management skills.

I've got to get this done. 

according to some, the world is coming to an end this week

the stock market is crashing 

all they can do is stress 

and fear 

No, no, no people. 

See...yes. The world is coming to an end. Eventually, in time it will. 

Fear? Yes. If there's no certainty I would suggest being very afraid. I would be too. 

But isn't there another option? Don't you think there's more than living and dying? 

Hide and seek. We can only hide for so long. 

Calm down. Listen.

Listen to more than the rambles flying around your head 

paralyzing fear 

causing one to run through life

capture all you can

don't forget the good times 

this is all we have

so take it while you can

This is all we have!?

An artist is always picked apart. I can't say "I care for people, I teach your children, I've built a bridge." 

No, for I am picked apart like a clam by a gull. 

I sometimes wish that I had the beautiful gift and calling that another has. 

I sometimes wish that I had that overall beauty of the girl down the street who has a beautiful heart, the sweetest smile and the looks of an angel. And then she has the calling to serve people in a way that I don't. To hold children and to love them. To be smart and witty, speaking because she understands and is naturally observant. To build a bridge or understand the most complicated medical explanation comes naturally. 

It would be nice if this never bothered me. 

But how could it not when you openly compare? Are you really that ignorant?

Surely you, who is so wise wouldn't be so ignorant. 

Why? Why compare me as if I'm worthless? 

Go away already. Why do you hurt me so? 

Go away and never return. 

I can't stand you. 

But never mind. I can't blame you. You are just like me. You are ignorant and dumb too. You are imperfect. So I must forgive you as well as myself. 

You are imperfect and I am an artist. Artists must live as a hermit or forever work to please another. 

There comes a time when you think to yourself

all is wrong 

Lincoln was a dictator 

he was not 

what was he? 

the injustice of slavery- gone

oh really? 

you tell me the little hands are limp? no life? 

yeah- now they are 

thanks to them

thanks to you

thanks to me 

oh thanks to me

my pathetic apathy 

and then through revelation realize 

all is as it should be 

I'm wondering just how long I should keep writing in this world of all alone. 

Maybe I should let somebody know I'm here.

Nah. Then I wouldn't be able to say whatever I wanted! 

Wait. I don't say whatever I want anyway. Fear of being found I suppose. 

What would I say if I could say whatever I wanted? 

I got away from blogging for a reason. I'm not quite sure what that was but I have a feeling it had something to do with the ridiculousness of talking about nothing.

Which is what I'm doing right now.

Perhaps this blog should end as quickly as it started. I should cut it off, now. 

But then...

I think I started again because I liked the thought of venting and venting to someone who would listen. Though I must admit I have yet to vent.

In a way I don't want anyone to know why I'd like to vent. 

I know that the annoyances and trials in life are for a season and a purpose. There is no reason to act like it's a disaster, because it's not. Everything is orchestrated so perfectly and purposefully. 

But even then, I am not perfect (we all know) and I very often feel like displaying my uncertainty, hate, discontentment, pride and unenviable sorrow. 

I believe I am too open. I would like to give details. I would like to convey exactly what has happened and what I feel to those who care to listen. I want you to know what I think. I find though that events and emotions involve others and their lives. I realize that I am not free to speak of circumstance that involves others and so I feel somewhat restricted. I feel as if I cannot share what bothers me.

That, I believe, must be my excuse. And so I am always secretive, not by my own will but by the will of others. 

I suppose I will write for now. 

I am sooo psyched. 

I just bought a few John Mark McMillan songs tonight. 

I've heard a few songs before and knew I really did not want to do without.

I appreciate how sincere he is and his writing in general. 

His lyrics are most sincere and unique in the comparisons used and the truths spoken of. 

I love when an artist can write about the relationship with Christ and the often unspoken of truths with such passion and skill. 

His love for Christ truly shows and his skill is far above that of our well-known, luke-warm "Christian music" community. 

Speaking of buying things, I purchased a brand new pair of Tommy Hilfiger flip flops for $5 at a local second hand store! Love that place! 

Also, I found a (I think new) suit that fits nearly perfectly for $30. I figure I'd better get it while I have such a good deal. One of these days I'll need a suit and I'll probably have to rush out to buy a new one for over $75. 

Okay, I'm off to eat some chocolate, brush my teeth and fall asleep with a few John Mark McMillan songs. 

I'm excited. 

I've found that there are few things that keep people entertained nowadays.

Due to the inspiration of a very dear friend (SC/big red/wendy), I have become even more easily entertained than before.

For example-

"Mt. Trashmore"-I would never have thought about it. Previously I would have read the name, cocked my head, and then gone on with life. But now (after reading the sign for maybe the 5th time), I cocked my head and thought deeply. Then I laughed. What a ridiculous name for a park. It just cracks me up every time. 

There is a skeleton that sits in the passenger side of the little beetle bug car in a neighbors driveway. He is always there. Sometimes I think he wears a hat with the window down. The little bug car is a rusted black with rusty black wheels and a hint of rusty red near where the hub caps should be. The skeleton seems to have a cocky grin on his face at all times. He's a steady guy. We've named him Rusty. 

Every day when I walk into the bathroom at work, I glance at the door with a sign that says "showers" on it. I wonder why in the crab pot we would have a room marked "showers" in our sophisticated office building. I often have entertained myself with scenarios detailing why a person may need to use a room marked "showers". I never peeped in the door because I thought it added to the mystery if I didn't exactly know what was in the shower room. I was disappointed the other day when my supervisor told me that there was a work-out room we could use in an office close to ours. Killed the mysterious. (Well...it'll be good for my exercise habits or lack thereof.)  

I like my supervisor. I couldn't have asked for a better supervisor to warm me up to the place and pester with questions. She really is a very sweet, nice person. You know what? She has a sparkle to her eyes.

I think that I've always been one to enjoy watching others. I like to watch conversations between people. It is entertaining to me to listen and watch. Have you ever just watched a conversation take place? Sometimes someone is very serious, or extremely giddy, or maybe just content and worry-free. I like most of all to see a sparkle in the eyes. 

It really happens, you know? I have seen it. 

I often wonder if it is my fascination with watching the interaction of others or just a laziness and self-focus that makes me want to watch the conversation instead of participate. It may be a bit of both. 

Perhaps I will learn to be less self-focused and more sociable when I grow up.  

You know, sometimes it is just too tiring to be sociable. One can only have so many friends. I used to wish that I could disconnect myself from every single person I knew (outside of my immediate family) and leave. Leave the country, seriously. I wasn't even joking with myself, it was how I truly felt. It wasn't that I wanted to run away from home, but that I was too exhausted of situations with people that I felt I could not handle much longer. 

In the end, the Lord taught me through each situation. I can even say now that I am grateful for them. Even today though, I often feel the need to disconnect and start new occasionally. 

Speaking of starting new, I don't know that I could ask for a better "new start" than to move across the state and start a new job, attend a new church and know absolutely no one and nothing. Though when I finally get my wish years down the road, I don't want it so much anymore (fancy that). There are people that I cannot disconnect myself from. I would never do it. 

I will say though, that if I were forced to leave and never return (you know like the witness protection program stuff that happens in books-and never real life, right?) I would be unfathomably sad but sigh with relief just a bit. 

Don't you ever just want a new beginning? To forget about before and start with a new record. A white page. 

Thanks to the Lord, for He is the only way. He is the only new beginning any of us will ever get. I want to remember that, daily. I am learning to remember His goodness towards me. I am learning to remember that He holds nothing against me. There is nothing I must do to please Him! I have a new beginning in Christ. 

This is far too long. And I'd like to end on a good note as well. What a good thought to end on. 

Fishy fishy in a brook

Daddy caught him with a hook

Mommy fried him in a pan

and baby ate him like a man 

-anonymous